


You're always in my mind

by Nickygp



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Harry Lives, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 21:36:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3584952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nickygp/pseuds/Nickygp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry's death destroys Eggsy one day at a time, so when he begins seeing the man as if he were there, alive, he figures he's finally lost his mind. </p><p>But what if he hasn't? What if he's really there?</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're always in my mind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JustPlainAmy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustPlainAmy/gifts).



> This is based on a prompt by the-staged-inadequacy on tumblr.  
> It's just a little something I couldn't get out of my head.

_A gunshot rang in the room, breaking the quiet stillness. Eggsy reeled backwards, screaming at the top of his lungs._

_He was dead. Harry Hart was dead. He was sprawled on the ground in a state called Kentucky, thousands of miles away from London._

_It was a bright, sunny day and Harry was dead. There were trees around him, birds flying away frightened due to the gunshot sound._

_The sky was clear and bright and beautiful, and Harry Hart was fucking dead. There were tears on Eggsy's eyes as his mind screamed and wailed, unable to comprehend what was happening._

_Harry Hart was dead._

Eggsy jolted awake, his nightshirt damp with cold sweat and a scream dying on his lips. He sat up, trembling slightly.

It had been three weeks since V-day had passed, and yet not a day went by without him waking up, the image of Harry falling to his death fresh in his mind.

At first, what with finding out Arthur was a traitor and being thrust into a plane tasked with saving the world, Harry's death had not actually hit him. The fear, the adrenaline, and the planning had kept him on his toes, had kept him going. Harry's death had been like a fact he read in a textbook; it had been just a name. It wasn't until he was back in the plane with Merlin and Roxy that it had truly hit him; Harry was gone, and he wasn't coming back.

He would never again see that heart stopping smile he reserved only for Eggsy. Never again would he be able to talk to him. He would never know Eggsy had made it. He was gone and the last time they had seen each other he had disappointed Harry, and now he would never be able to fix it.

Eggsy had locked himself in the bathroom and cried, unable to wait to get to London. He had shook with the force of his sobs as his mind replayed every single minute he had spent with Harry, and that dammed look of disappointment he had given him before leaving.

Eggsy supposed he should count himself lucky that the world had gone tits up after V-day. Every single Kingsman agent left, which thankfully was still the majority of them, was being overworked. The concept of 'a break' or 'a weekend off' was simply wiped from their vocabulary as they were forced to clean up the mess Valentine had left behind.

Eggsy was taking as many missions as the most senior agents, at his insistence, and, frankly, because Merlin didn't have the heart to stop him.

They both knew the only reason Eggsy hadn't collapsed yet was because he was working himself to death. The missions proved to be a, rather effective, distractor. Lately, in the field, it was kill or be killed, which left no room for thoughts of could haves and should haves when it came to Harry.

He was a kingsman agent now, and he'd make damn sure to do his job as well as he possibly could; he owed Harry that much.

Merlin, as happy as he was that Eggsy seemed to be adapting to the work, couldn't say he wasn't worried.

It was a marvel to watch Eggsy fight; he truly was becoming better by the day, but the way he fought... As if he had nothing to lose, as if he honestly didn't care whether he lived or die, frankly scared Merlin.

He had met agents like that before, and, no matter how good, they always ended up dead. They became too reckless, most seeking, secretly, to die. They did not feel that familiar fear for their lives, that raw want to live, that every agent felt when trying to complete a mission, and, sadly, that fear was vital. It kept people like them on their feet. And, if Eggsy's actions were anything to go by, right now, he was one of those agents.

Merlin really did not want to bury Eggsy any time soon.

\----------------

Eggsy cleared his throat, looking at his shoes, at his suit, anywhere but at the tombstone in front of him.

"Uh..." He scratched the back of his neck. "Well, the world's still fucked up." He swallowed, trying to bite back the tears. "It's the first day I 'ave off in 'bout a month... Haven't fucked up yet." Eggsy chuckled hollowly.

Eggsy steeled himself and finally looked up, coming face to face with the damned tombstone that had Harry's name inscribed on it. He tried to get his act together; Harry wasn't even there for fuck's sake- and wasn't that a cheerful thought.

He walked closer to the tombstone and kneeled as his knees suddenly felt too week to hold him up. He closed his eyes as sobs whacked his body, feeling nauseous. He shook, gasping for air.

Harry was dead. He was fucking dead.

Eggsy stayed there, sobbing on his knees, for what felt like hours. He knew he was probably making a fool out of himself, but it didn't matter.

Nothing did, really, not anymore.

He eventually got up, the night wind blowing fresh on his face, drying his tears. He took out his kingsman glasses, turning away from the tombstone, and walked away as fast as his feet would carry him.

"Galahad," greeted Merlin, his voice sad.

"What's my next mission?"

"You should take the whole weekend off, Eggsy."

"Merlin, what's my next mission?" The young man repeated tiredly. They both knew Merlin wasn't going to win the argument; He would either give Eggsy a mission or Eggsy would find himself one.

The man sighed in his ear. "You'll be going to Russia."

Eggsy smiled; finally, somewhere far away.

\----------------

Eggsy winced, clutching at his side as he leaned against a dirty wall. "Merlin-"

"Can you make it to the extraction point?"

"There's too many of them," Eggsy coughed, spitting blood to the side.

"Hold on, Eggsy, I'm trying to get you back up, just hold on-"

There wasn't enough time for backup to arrive. They had been hot on his heels, which meant they would barge into this room in less than a minute.

"It's been an honor, Merlin," murmured Eggsy, standing up straight and coming out from where he was hiding.

"Eggsy, stand down!" Growled a voice in his ear. It was a voice he knew oh so very well, and that he knew he would never hear again. It was a voice that belonged to a man whose body they hadn't been able to get back in the aftermath of V-day. It was the voice of the man that haunted his dreams and his steps.

Eggsy almost froze at the sound of Harry's voice, but then armed men that had been chasing him were coming in from everywhere, closing in on him, and his body went on automatic, shooting everyone on sight.

Fifteen minutes later, he staggered to the door, careful not to trip on the corpses scattered on the floor.

"Galahad, if I tell you to wait for reinforcements, I expect you to follow my command," Merlin seethed in his ear.

Eggsy stifled a sob as whatever small hopes that had begun to form in his mind were broken into a million pieces.

It had probably just been the adrenaline kicking in, granting him one last inane wish in a moment he had thought would he his last. It had been nothing more, nothing less.

"You said you were tryin' to get reinforcements, not that you had 'em. I was just trying to keep myself alive, mate."

"You have to stop being this reckless, or I will have to terminate your service in the field."

Eggsy sighed. Sometimes Merlin was too much of a mother hen, but he couldn't say he didn't appreciate him caring. "You got it guv, now what's my next mission?"

"Eggsy-"

"Please, Merlin, what's my next mission?" Eggsy said softly, almost pleadingly.

"You're hurt."

"It's not that bad," Eggsy lied, pressing harder against his wound to stop the bleeding.

"I'm not sending you out again until we get you checked up. Besides, there's something we need to talk about."

"What is it?"

"We have a new Arthur," Merlin said, meaningfully.

"I don't wanna see 'im," Eggsy said flatly.

"Eggsy-"

"No, Merlin, I can't-" Eggsy breathed in. "We 'ave a branch 'ere in Russia, right?"

"Yes, why?"

"I'll get checked 'ere then. Let me know when you have my next mission."

Eggsy took off his glasses, not waiting for Merlin's reply. He knew he'd probably pay dearly for that one- absolutley no one got away with hanging up on Merlin- but he couldn't bare to listen to the man anymore.

Because Harry had been their most senior field agent, which meant that, after Chester's death, Harry would have been promoted to Arthur's position had he been alive. But now Harry was gone and there was a new guy running the show and Eggsy couldn't stand it. He couldn't bring himself to walk into Arthur's office and see William 'Gawain' sitting there, given that Merlin had flat out refused the offer to become Arthur. But it didn't matter who the new Arthur was because, as great as William was, he was not Harry.

He would never be Harry.

The car that had picked him up finally came to a stop, and a beautiful woman dressed in a kingsman suit helped him out.

Eggsy gripped her hand tightly, finally feeling the effects of the blood loss; Everything was shining, making it hard to see, and the ground seemed to be tilted, but that was probably just his mind playing tricks on him.

Eggsy's steps faltered, and the woman placed her arm around his waist, supporting most of his weight. "It's alright, you're safe now."

Eggsy couldn't help but laugh hollowly at the irony; he would never be safe again, not from his mind.

\-------------------

_"It's time you come back to HQ. You cannot skip the annual meeting, Galahad."_

Eggsy sighed as he opened the door to his home. There was no escaping it anymore, he'd have to meet the new Arthur three days from now, whether he liked it or not.

He'd have to finally let go of his childish idea that maybe, just maybe, Harry would come back from the dead and he'd find him sitting on Arthur's chair, an apology at the tip of his tongue and a proud smile.

He rubbed his eyes tiredly, as tears threatened to overwhelm him. Even after a month and a half it was hard to think of Harry.

It had gotten so bad, he had begun hearing Harry's voice about two weeks ago, while he was still at the kingsman branch in Russia.

He had heard little things like 'don't do that' or 'Eggsy', which always left him panting as he searched for a man that wasn't there. It seemed to him that hearing Harry's voice in the field had irreparably damaged him.

Strangely, he didn't really mind. It felt sort of... calming to hear Harry's voice again, even if it would later hurt even more because it wasn't real.He supposed he'd have to tell Merlin at some point, if it got worse, but for now he'd just enjoy it.

Eggsy took his glasses off and placed them on the table underneath the mirror hanging on the hallway that lead to the living room. He let his head drop, his hunched arms revealing the tension he was holding.

"Eggsy,"Harry said softly.

Eggsy's head snapped up, and he had to hold in a gasp. He grabbed the edge of the table, his knuckles turning white, as he swayed slightly, bile rising in the back of his throat.

Harry Hart stood near the fireplace, his hand resting on the back of a black couch that had once belonged to him. Eggsy stood up straight, numbly looking at the mirror. He was afraid of turning around and finding nothing but thin air.

_Enough, just get it over with. It's not real._

He took a deep breath and turned around, steeling himself to face the empty room, but Harry's form was still there, as motionless as before. He seemed to be gauging Eggsy's reaction.

Yep, he should probably tell Merlin he was going insane; after a month and a half of grieving, he had finally lost it.

"I am so sorry, Eggsy, I wanted to tell you." Harry said taking two steps forward as Eggsy took two steps back.

He looked so real, so _alive_ , that Eggsy wanted nothing more than to run up to him and hug him, bury his head in Harry's neck and cry. He wanted to kiss him, to tell him he loved him, to punch him for leaving in the first place, which was exactly why he needed to stay as far away from this illusion as possible.

He would not be able to bear running up to Harry only to hug air. The illusion would disappear as soon as he touched it, and, as selfish and fucked up as it was, he wanted to keep it around for a little while longer.

He finally let go of the table and walked away, going into Harry's old study, feeling slightly panicky at the thought that if he left the illusion too long, it would disappear.

"Eggsy?" Harry called, following Eggsy into the room, but staying near the doorway to give the boy space.

Eggsy took out a bottle of scotch and poured himself a generous amount. He almost offered Harry a drink, but caught himself at the last minute; illusions didn't drink things. He drowned his glass in one gulp, and poured himself another glass, which he took with him as he moved to sit in Harry's old chair.

If he was going to give in to the insanity his mind seemed to have slipped into, he would need a lot of alcohol in his system.

He turned on the laptop and set his drink down. He still had to type reports for his last four missions, which Merlin had been bugging him about for a few days now. Eggsy was sure the man would not appreciate him going in later this week empty handed.

He saw Harry- no, not Harry, a figment of his broken mind- shuffle his weight uncomfortably. His eyes were sad and he sighed, taking his leave; it was obvious Eggsy wasn't about to talk to him anytime soon, if his strange reaction was anything to go by.

Eggsy felt a pang of pain as the illusion walked out, leaving him alone- again. He sighed, blinking away the tears.

Yes, he needed to talk to Merlin.

\------------------

The illusion came back to him the next morning, this time wearing a different suit.

Hell, his mind really had given this some thought, hadn't it? It was even changing Harry's clothing.

Eggsy had almost dropped his mug when he had first seen it again. Would this be a daily occurrence? Would he be haunted by Harry until the day he died? Was there no way out of this hell?

He had fucked up in the past, that was true, but he did not believe he had fucked up badly enough to deserve this much pain. It was simply excruciating to see the man he loved, knowing full well he was not there. It was excruciating to be reminded that he would never be able to touch him again, to talk to him.

"You need to eat, Eggsy." Harry murmured, following the boy to the study. "You're far too skinny for it to be healthy."

It was true that he had lost weight; he had basically stopped eating for a few weeks after Harry's death, and only had begun eating again when Merlin had threatened to stop giving him missions.

He wanted to answer, to tell Harry to bugger off because he was dead and Eggsy was more than capable of taking care of himself, thank you very much. But he refrained; what was the point in talking to himself?

Harry gave an exasperated sigh. "Are you ever going to talk to me?"

There was something in his voice, something sad and open and vulnerable that made Eggsy ache; Harry's voice had never sounded like that, which only went to prove even his mind couldn't impersonate Harry perfectly.

Eggsy looked up at the older man, his expression blank, and sighed, torn between replying or just continuing to ignore the blasted illusion. After a few seconds he shook his head, snapping back into reality. He would not talk to himself; he would not fall that low.

Harry swallowed hard, feeling as if someone had punched him in the gut, and left the room. So Eggsy wouldn't talk to him.

He hadn't expected Eggsy's decision to affect him this much, but he couldn't bear the though of never speaking to the young man again. Yet, he couldn't force Eggsy; he had to give him time, as much as it hurt.

\----------------

"You alright?" Murmured Roxy, coming to stand next to Eggsy as they made their way up to the conference room.

"Yeah, fine" Eggsy said in a clipped tone.

Roxy gave his hand a squeeze, seeing right through his words. "It'l be alright."

Eggsy gave a curt nod, not believing her words, and breathed in before opening the door.

He gripped the knob with more strength than necessary as his mind came to a screeching halt; there, in Arthur's chair, sat Harry, or more accurately, the illusion that had been haunting him for the past three days.

_You've got to be joking._

"Oh good, you're here," Merlin said, coming in right behind them. "Glasses, ladies and gentlemen."

Eggsy walked slowly to his seat, stopping just as he was about to take his seat; Gawain, who had come in seconds after him, had not taken Arthur's seat.

No one had taken Arthur's seat but a dead man that was only there because Eggsy couldn't seem to be able to let go.

_What the fuck?_

"Merlin?" Eggsy said softly, still not taking his seat.

The man, that had been reviewing something in his electronic clipboard, looked up at him with a raised brow. "What's the matter Galahad?"

"I thought we had a new Arthur."

Merlin's brows furrowed. "We do."

Eggsy gave him a look, as if waiting for him to go on, but when Merlin said nothing he said "Well... Where is he?"

"What?"

"Where is he?"

Roxy gave him a worried look "Eggsy are you alright?"

Merlin turned to face Harry. "I thought you told him."

"We didn't really talk-"

Eggsy gasped, stumbling backwards. "Oh my god."

Roxy stood up "Eggsy?"

Eggsy looked at Merlin, his eyes wide and teary, and whispered "you... You can see him too?"

Merlin looked at him in confusion, taking two steps forward before comprehension reached his face. "Oh, my boy."

Eggsy looked back at Harry, a decidedly _alive_ Harry because there was no way Merlin would talk to thin air unless this was all a really fucked up dream, just as Harry stood up, his face scrunching up in remorse.

Eggsy ran out of the room, feeling his chest constrict painfully as he tried to breathe in. He ran down the stairs, taking them two at a time, and opened the door to fitting room number two, slamming it closed behind him. He couldn't breathe.

He knew some air was coming into his lungs, but _he couldn't breathe._

_Panic attack._

He fell to the floor, clutching at his chest as he tried to calm himself down to no avail.

His mind was in chaos; everything he knew was breaking into pieces, dissolving into nothingness. He was scrambling to regroup, to gather his thoughts. There were voices screaming in his head, but there were too many to make any sense of what they were saying.

Harry Hart was alive. He was alive and he was upstairs sitting at the head of the table. He was alive.

Oh, god, he was alive.

Eggsy was drowning, unable to breathe properly. He wanted to scream and cry out in anger and joy, but his body wasn't responding, apparently disconnected from his warring mind.

Suddenly, the door burst open, letting in a frantically worried Harry Hart.

"Eggsy," he whispered brokenly, falling to his knees next to the boy, his boy. He gathered him in his arms, cradling Eggsy's head in his chest as he rocked them back and forth. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Harry whispered over and over again, like a broken record.

Eggsy clung to him like a dying man clings to life. He didn't even realize he was crying until Harry cleaned his cheeks, kissing Eggsy's forehead softly and caressing his back.

It felt so good to finally be in Harry's arms, to feel his heartbeat and his body heat, to hear his beautiful voice.

"I've missed you," Eggsy said what seemed like hours later, finally calm enough to speak.

"Oh, my dear boy, so did I." He squeezed Eggsy closer. "I am so proud of you, Eggsy, so pro-"

Eggsy pulled himself up and kissed Harry, not caring that he probably looked like a mess and that his cheeks were still wet with tears. He just needed to feel Harry's lips on his. He needed to feel his _living_ breath mingle with Eggsy's.

Harry pulled away almost immediately, looking at Eggsy with a flabbergasted look that would have ben hilarious had Eggsy not beed so emotionally drained already. "Eggsy-"

Eggsy shook his head, stopping Harry by placing two fingers on Harry's soft lips.

"I've wanted to do that since the day I met you. I just didn't get the chance last time," Eggsy said softly, feeling naked under Harry's gaze.

Harry froze for a second, something akin to hope blooming in his eyes, and kissed him again, fisting his hand's in Eggsy's hair.

They kissed feverishly, touching each other as if neither one could belief this was actually happening.

Eggsy pulled away grudgingly, gasping for breath, and murmured "I swear to God Harry, if you ever pull that shite again, I will murder you."

Harry nodded, lookig sheepish. "Never again, I promise."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! Kudos and comments are always appreciated :)


End file.
